Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate
by deeplyshallow
Summary: Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate, Split ends are not an excuse to act like there's an axe murderer in the room. I assure you the assassin I have hired to kill you will come at a more respectable hour than 6 am.


**[Creeps in]**

**Hey guys! Long time no upload… or reviews… or review responses… or PMs… sorry?**

**I still love you all!**

**In all honesty I have been horribly busy (7 important exams in 10 days!). Up until last week, so ok I've been doing nothing for about nine days now but I've had a serious case of writer's block and also the How I Met Your Mother section is distracting me…**

**But anyway, I finally got something out. Not what I wanted, but at least I'm back doing something. Set during the 'unadulterated loathing days' and very loosely (as in the kind you don't need to read to get) on deargirlsaboveme(.)com – another website you should probably avoid if you don't want to get addicted…**

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><p>Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,<p>

I am aware that you detest my presence, I assure you that feeling is mutual. Maybe next time we're (Oz forbid) in this situation you'll save us both great pain by listening to the teacher and not volunteering for something neither of us wants.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

It's my wardrobe. I don't care that it's half empty, if you wanted more space you should have considered whether you really needed to bring 27 shoes to University.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

I agree totally with you drawing a line to separate my half of the room off from yours, I have no desire to ever touch anything that has the vile floral smell of your perfume. However, I would appreciate it if I got an equal amount of space as you and perhaps a pathway to the door.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

No, I am not going to have a 'sleepover in the library' and let you have a party in our dorm. For starters the library closes after midnight and does not appreciate students sleeping on the couch – trust me – I've checked.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Split ends are not an excuse to act like there's an axe murderer in the room. I assure you the assassin I have hired to kill you will come at a more respectable hour than 6 am.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

"If you're from Munchkinland why aren't you a midget?" Interesting question. Maybe because those with a couple of brain cells would realise that stereotypes are not always correct. For instance; I have seen nothing to prove that Animals are less intelligent than human, humans can have green skin without being aliens and, contrary to popular belief, green skinned people do not appreciate being constantly insulted. Then again I've seen nothing to disprove the stereotype that all the Gillikinese are superficial idiots so far…

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

No, _Bick_ is not following you around in an attempt to stalk and kill you. Boq has a serious case of the truly horrible medical condition, thinks-Galinda-is-something-other-than-an-annoying-obnoxious-idiot-itus, and you should pity him greatly. Nevertheless, keep him out of our room, it may be contagious.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

"Go talk to a salad," is not a witty or creative insult. Nor is it grammatically correct.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Please stop with the posters. If you want to see topless guys go to the philosophy club or somewhere else, I'm not picky. Bonus points for never returning.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Oh no, I spilt your bottle of nail polish. Whatever will you do without fuchsia pink? It's just not the same as rose pink or baby pink! It's a perfectly reasonable response to lock yourself in the bathroom and refuse to talk to anyone ever again.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

I think you've failed to work out the definition of _homework _it's work you do _out of school hours _if you don't do it you get a _detention._ So no, I don't think it's 'totally and completely unfairirific' that Doctor Dillamond gave you one.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

You do realise that sometimes talking to people who are 'not quite as popular' as your perfect self isn't the same as giving to charity don't you?

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Wow, Momsie packed a raisin cookie when she _knows _you don't like that? You poor little thing. You do know that some of us never get presents from your family don't you?

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Trust me, touching your ridiculously pink hair curlers was as painful an experience for me as it was for you. However, leaving them on all evening may have just been a fire hazard.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Yes, the spider is still on your bed. In fact I am sure it is going to stay there all night – or at least until I've finished my homework – so just keep yourself locked up in your closet until I tell you it's clear to leave ok?

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

I am aware they're spell books. This does not make your suggestion that they came to land on your bed 'by magic' any more convincing.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Pfannee's right, your posterior doesn't look big in that new dress of yours. However, it does not stop you looking like a frilly overdressed salmon.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

A whole Animal village was burnt down this week. But I quite agree with you that the most important piece of news this week was Shen Shen giving 'sex eyes' to Milla's boyfriend.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Stop putting peas under your mattress and attempting to train yourself to not go to sleep because of it. Maybe the fairytale gods are telling you that you're not a princess.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Avaric's a jerk? You've worked that one out? After three months? Well done! I was bargaining on your taking at least twelve times that long! Of course it took me about a minute to work that out myself. That makes me a little more than 129600 times smarter than you. Well at least it didn't get into the two hundred thousands …

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Oh, you like Avaric again now he said you looked hot in your new inappropriately low cut dress. Congratulations! I think you've just made it into the two hundred thousands.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

The dessert you ate wasn't low fat! We'd better get you to the hospital before you die of not fitting into a tight skirt! Funny, on the other hand, how you don't rush to check whether the meat is Chicken or chicken…

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

No, I will not give you free tutoring 'in return for having such an amusing, inspiring, perfect and beautiful roommate.' I would however, like to meet this roommate you are talking about.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

No, I do not believe you should take up singing. I'm sure the Emerald Opera house prefers their windows unbroken.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

I do not need you to inform me that going to bed at nine won't be enough beauty sleep to have any effect on me. On the other hand, I do appreciate being awake for my exams.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

So this Prince, famous for his scandalicious reputation of breaking hearts and one night stands, is definitely going to marry you if you spend five hours putting on makeup for his party then? I see no flaw in that plan what so ever.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

I don't think you understand what being a Princess is about. You might need to do something like make sensible decisions and rule at some point or other. Then again given said Winkie Prince you're planning to marry maybe just teaching him to be able to drive without nearly killing someone in the process would be an achievement.

xxx

Dear Annoying Blonde Roommate,

Watch out for the punch. With scandalacious princes and _Avaric _around I doubt it contains just 'lemons and melons and pears'.

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><p><strong>And then they become friends!<strong>

**I'm thinking of writing a sequel 'Dear Brainless Vinkan Prince', tell me what you think!**


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